Satisfied Sadist

this slave met an exciting Domme on line yesterday! And, after W/we spoke for a while, through intermittent conversations that lasted most of the day, this slave admitted that it had masturbated to Her sexy on line photos, twice.

Big mistake… it sees now how disrespectful and selfish that act was, but at the time, this slave saw it as a compliment. Her photos are hot! So it was eager to tell Her that they turned this slave on!

Once this idiot slave realized its mistake, it apologized deeply. But the Domme required more substantial evidence of its regret. She demanded that this slave cause itself pain seven different ways. One painful episode for each letter in the the word “selfish”. And She promised that She would not speak with this slave again until photos depicting seven appropriate punishments were emailed to Her.

So, during the last twelve hours, this slave has whipped its left leg bloody with a metal coat hanger, raised purple and yellow bruises on its right thigh with a heavy paddle, and burnt its left arm with a cigarette, trying to form the letter “M” (The initial of Her first name) with the scars. it also locked on a chastity device for an undetermined period, slept on a wood floor without a pillow or blanket last night, stapled its left index finger, and forced a straight pin through its nose between the nostrils.

Fortunately, Ma’am enjoyed seeing photos of this slave’s suffering, and accepted its apology. So now, all is forgiven.

Thank You Ma’am for allowing this slave to atone for its sin!

🙂

Gentleman or submale?

this slave was sitting at a traffic light on a slick road on the way to work Friday, when its car was struck from behind.  Not a huge impact, but enough to damage the trunk lid, rear bumper, and left tail light of its Mazda 6.  The huge Ford Explorer that slid into its car was driven by a 42 year old Woman Who was apparently late for work and driving too fast in icy conditions.

There was very little damage to Her car… almost none… and while we exchanged information, She seemed annoyed, agitated, and even acted as if this slave was at fault, merely for being in Her way.

Most men would have pointed out that She caused the accident.  But this slave did not.  it could not.

Instead, it apologized to Her for the delay, held Her car door open for Her, and told Her that it would handle the repairs to its car without bothering Her or Her insurance company.

She seemed neither relieved or grateful… Only annoyed about the whole incident and the time it took.  So it thanked Her, and She drove off.

Regrets, its had a few…

The arrival of a new year presents a point in time to reflect on one’s life, such as it is.  But this slave doesn’t need any deep soul-searching to know that it has failed to live up to the D/s philosophy that it believes in.  Why?  Because it is a weak, selfish, distracted male that is easily led around by its dick.

And ironically, knowing that it is prone to poor decision making provides precisely zero help in correcting that problem.  Very few Females will understand that, but it is sure every guy on this planet is familiar with this frustrating dilemma.

this slave’s regret for past failures lives with it everyday.  And although it knows that an apology is totally insufficient, an apology is all it has to offer:

–To the “Severe Domme” in Wisconsin, Who spent so many hours testing this slave to be sure it was what it claimed to be.  it is sorry for failing You, and embarrassing You, when it mattered most.

–To the “Teaching Domme” in northern Wisconsin, Who tried so hard over the years to guide this slave, and help it achieve happiness.

–To the Master in the upper mid-west Who enjoys water-sports.

–To Miss Carole and Master Mark, Who have given it permission to tell Their story.

–To “Lady B” in Oregon, Who is so talented and articulate.

–To Xanne.

–And finally to The Mindful Domina, Who deserves only the best, while this slave, and life in general, hand Her far less.

this slave is sorry for failing.

Expanding Horizons?

this slave’s divorce, although extremely sad, presented an opportunity for it to be truthful about what it is, and what it needs to do with its life.  it would continue to guard its public reputation for the sake of its kids and its career, but it would no longer sneak around, or limit its service to a few nights a month. this slave was finally available to serve and learn full time, outside of its regular job.  And that’s when it met Miss Carole and Her Boyfriend Master Mark.

this Couple lived just a few miles away.  They are educated and interesting.  And they’re as normal and friendly as any you could ever hope to meet.

this slave began its service to Miss Carole, cleaning and doing lawn work at Her home for the first few weeks, and it worked hard. In fact, this felt more like a part time job than D/s service because there was almost no interaction with Miss Carole while it worked, except occasionally She would have it kneel in a corner of Her living room while She inspected its work. this slave found Miss Carole very attractive, but it knew better than to try to manipulate Her in any way by suggesting a closer relationship.  So it did the work She required, thanked Her, and then went home.

Over time, She had it work on large projects at Her home with others that served Her, staining Her deck one weekend, and repairing a fence another weekend.  And not long after that, she sent it an email, out of the blue, directing it to buy a chastity device.  When it arrived a few days later, she had it kneel and put the device on while She sat on the sofa and told this slave that this was a significant moment, and that She would expect more from it in the future.

“More” included daily service (as in every single day), meal preparation, shopping, driving Her to appointments, and sleeping over on weekends in a small closet in the kitchen.  It also included (mild by Domina’s standards) corporal punishment when She was dissatisfied with its service, and occasional masturbation privileges (as She watched) when She was pleased with its effort AND with the result.  Miss Carole constantly emphasized that effort which did not lead to satisfactory results also deserved punishment, even if a slave had put its heart and soul into the job.  That was a point She reiterated frequently.

Finally one day Miss Carole introduced it to Her Boyfriend, Master Mark.  She explained that He would be moving in with Her (this slave later found out that he lost His job as an auto mechanic and had to get rid of His apartment) and that it would serve Him with the same obedience and respect that it demonstrated to Miss Carole.

Now this slave is NOT gay.  it is not.  But it understands that others will disagree with that statement because it had, twice before meeting Master Mark, worshiped Male Doms, as it was directed to.  However this situation was different. Service to Master Mark was going to be far more intimate, and apparently, almost a daily thing.

The day after this slave moved all of His things in to Miss Carole’s home, Master Mark had this slave kneel as He explained “some ground rules”.  Master Mark immediately told it that He had a high sex drive, and that Miss Carole didn’t enjoy the taste of His Cock, let alone His Cum, so it would be this slave’s responsibility to beg Him each day to relieve the pent up tension in His balls by consuming His Cum.  Each day!  And He was serious!

this slave wants sooo much to obey.  it has framed its entire life on the idea that this is what it is, and this is what it does. So it really must always obey even this ultimately degrading command from Master Mark, without hesitation and without question.

it wrestled with the idea of this for hours, hiding in its closet, before finally crawling to Miss Carole to beg Her to intervene.  But She would not. In fact, She actually slapped this slave’s face (again, mildly… She just doesn’t like violence) because questioning a command from Master Mark was a rude thing to do. It was unacceptable.  Miss Carole went on to explain that being offered an opportunity to serve in this way was a privilege, and that this slave should be honored to consume anything that Master Mark was willing to share with it.

Readers of this blog, but not Domina, may be surprised to learn that this slave ran away.  Just ran away.  And although it still occasionally speaks with Miss Carole, that ended its service to Them.  it no longer serves Her or Master Mark.

Yet another failure…  this slave didn’t fully appreciate how huge a failure this was until later on.  If Miss Carole or Master Mark ever read this blog, it would like Them to know that this slave finally understands that it was wrong to refuse, and that it is deeply sorry for this failure.

Panic, Repair, Escape

You thought this slave was pretty dumb for allowing an unstable Domme access to its personal email information?  Well, this slave is even dumber than that… it went to the police.  it left Her home in a panic that night and drove to the police station to ask for help. What help could the police give?  None obviously, and it realized that the moment it walked through the door of the downtown police station.  It was late and almost no one was there, which turned out to be a good thing because it didn’t speak with anyone.  So it turned around, walked back to its car, and sat there in terror, crying.

Eventually, several hours later, it composed itself, and drove home with a desperate plan: Confess to its Wife, beg Her forgiveness, and plead with Her to never tell the kids. Then call its Mother and its boss and tell them both that this was all a sick joke. Then, call its lawyer to limit the damage as much as possible. And finally, deny, deny, deny everything else.

it remembers pulling a napkin and a pen out of the glove box and writing all this down that night, before it drove home.  And it recalls being shocked at how much its hands were shaking.

The truth is that almost more concerning than the damage this was about to cause its marriage was the thought of getting fired at work. this slave had a mortgage, kids, and tons of bills… it simply could not lose its job.  And it didn’t. it worked for a very cool boss, who most likely didn’t believe that this was a joke, but he didn’t forward that email to anyone else either, as far as it knows.  (Later, this slave left that company, primarily because it could never be certain about who knew what. it quit and went to a competitor. But even now, it worries that someday that email will resurface).

Most of its friends were horrified when they read that email and saw the photo. this slave has always portrayed itself to be the all-American boy.  And, except for its life long dalliance with deeply disturbing sexual perversions (it is kidding here… Good that it can laugh a bit, yes?), it really was a model citizen.  Really!  it had a good job.  Pretty Wife.  Cute kids.  But the email ended all that, and over time, it ended friendships with virtually everyone this slave knew.

its lawyer, after promising to treat this ordeal with complete discretion, sent a letter advising its Domme that She could be prosecuted for malicious intent, or blackmail, or whatever. it never read the letter the lawyer sent, but She never spoke with this slave again, so it was apparently effective.  Later, that same attorney was a consultant for this slave’s divorce.

And of course, the deepest damage that can never be repaired was what that email did to its poor Wife, and to its family.  Actually, this slave is not claiming that the email was to blame for the painful divorce that followed.  Clearly it was this slave’s decision to cheat that led to divorce. But that email certainly fueled the deep hatred and disgust that its ex Wife will feel for this slave forever.

And now that a few years have gone by, and this slave has fewer thoughts of suicide, it realizes that this mess was inevitable.  it behaved recklessly, it didn’t give its Wife the respect She deserved, and it got what it had coming.  it gets depressed about that frequently, and it has continued its effort to repair the damage that it caused, especially with its kids.

But, here is perhaps the dumbest thing of all: Despite everything… Despite the agony, the embarrassment, and the unbelievable cost of it all… this slave still feels a deep, deep need to subject itself to the most intense D/s situation it can find.  At its core it still needs this.  And it still believes that this is natural for some.

Maybe this makes more sense when one realizes that this slave has least learned that it is not enough to merely serve any Dominant.  In fact, it seeks to serve Domina, an extraordinary Dominant, and prays that it will someday please Her through absolute obedience, while embracing whatever pain and humiliation She needs to thrive.